“Apaan sih, cinta-cintaan mulu. Gak cape apa?”
Rena merengut. “Sirik aja deh, Di. Kamu aja yang terlalu sensitif. Tampang ada, gaya ada, tapi udah bertahun-tahun jomblooooo melulu.”
“Ini namanya selektif.”
“Itu namanya jomblo akut.”
“Atau…” mata Rena menyipit curiga. “Ngaku deh. Kamu homo ya?”
Adi mengangkat buku Fisika tebal dengan tangan kanannya, siap menimpuk gadis ini.
Reza, Aji, Putra, Azka, Danar, dan entah siapa lagi. Ada terlalu banyak nama untuk dijadikan sebuah daftar.
Adi heran dengan siklus “jatuh cinta” Rena yang berlangsung terlalu cepat. Bayangkan, dari suka, jadian, marahan, putus, bisa berlangsung kurang dari satu bulan dan cuma berselang beberapa minggu (terkadang hari) dengan fase “jatuh cinta” yang lain.
Kadang harga dirinya sebagai cowok suka terusik.
Apa bagi Rena, hati memang sesuatu yang bisa dipermainkan sesukanya?
Sore itu Adi meminjamkan bahunya. Rena menangis sesenggukan. Ia baru saja putus.
“Udah, cup-cup. Jangan nangis. Masa playgirl nangisin cowo.”
“Di… jahat ah kamu. Aku bukan playgirl…”
Adi mendengus. “Bukan playgirl tapi kerjanya gonta-ganti cowok. Gak baik buat reputasi kamu juga, Ren.”
“Ya kan namanya juga nyari yang cocok, Di. Gak bisa sekali nemu langsung klop, kan?”
Hati bukan potongan puzzle, Ren.
Adi memutar posisi duduknya hingga berhadapan dengan Rena. “Aku punya satu pertanyaan Ren. Jawab.”
“Dari segitu seringnya kamu pacaran. Apa ada yang bener-bener kamu sayang? Apa kamu pernah jatuh cinta?”
Rena menghela nafas. “Gak ada, Di. Kalo “jatuh cinta” sih pernah.” Ia meng-air quote dua kata itu.
Adi berdecak. “Serius gue. Habis mewek aja masih bisa-bisanya jawab seenak jidat begitu.”
Rena merengut. “Apaan sih, pertanyaannya. Gak mutu amat. Emang kamu udah pernah?”
“Jatuh cinta?” Rena kembali meng-air quote dua kata itu.
Adi menggeleng. “Tanpa tanda kutip.”
“SAMA SIAPA?!” Rena langsung heboh.
Sama cewek menyebalkan yang menganggap hati adalah potongan puzzle yang bisa dibongkar pasang sesukanya, Ren.
I don’t want to be
your entire world, no.
I would be happy
just to be your morning coffee,
your hanging car keys,
but if lost throws off
your entire day.
It’s kinda sad when you are willing to accept a person for who they are, and in return have to accept the fact that all you could make was mistake after mistake after mistake. That everything you do was, is, and will always be wrong.
That you have to hear such harsh words, sentences, knowing that you couldn’t even comfort the person. That you cried so many times over things that are frustrating and trying to figure out what (else) did you do wrong. That you’re pissed at every single thing you do because it seems like you’re doing no good.
That all of the efforts you did was nothing compared to the stupid mistakes you do over and over again.
I’m sorry that I’m a human.
That I kept on doing wrongs and can’t promise you that I’ll be mistake-free from now on.
That I’m sad because I am frustrated.
I’m sorry that I’m me.
Charlie Brown once said, that nothing takes the flavour out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
That’s one thing.
But I’m pretty sure that my love is not unrequited. I mean, you said you love me too, right? Aside from the fact that you were already engaged with him. I thought by me confessing to you, then we would be able to be together.
Just like how I’ve always dreamed of.
We grew up together, in a little town that’s not even on the map. We would go to the school together, spending the after hours together, doing homeworks and studying for SAT and all that stuff. For the sake of us, wasn’t it? Tell me that it was…
You told me that you wanted to get out from this little town, that you wanted to move out and start a new life in New York City. It was a childish dream, and nearly impossible to come true, but it came true anyway.
We struggled through our college days. Another series of spending hours together, though we went into totally different majors. You picked Arts, and I picked Business. I still remember how I would bring my ridiculously thick text book while you bring some ivory-colored papers and some charcoal pens. You looked so happy and carefree whilst I was always frowning thanks to the neverending tasks and tests.
To be honest, nothing I read went into my head when you’re busy making sketch of birds sitting on the branches of the trees. I was busy making a sketch of you inside my head, despite my unability to draw even the simplest figure.
But I’m sure that if you could see the ‘you’ inside my head, you would admit that I was a damn good artist.
Or just a plain guy with photographic memory.
You said that you wanted a steady life. I laughed at it, as if that has never occured in my head.
Well, I wanted one. With you.
You slipped away. As I was struggling in my new office, trying to bring out my best effort inside this famous consultant company. We didn’t see each other that often anymore. In my tired nights, I dreamt of you and the good old days back there in our little town.
I managed to get some free time this afternoon. You asked if we could meet, so here I am. Inside the diner where we spent our college days together. You went in, with a worried look on your face. Wearing a flowy white dress.
I missed you. It has been three months since I last met you.
You played with the tablecloth, your eyes were avoiding mine. I knew that something wasn’t right. My smile began to fade.
I managed to find my voice. It creaks a little. “Pardon me?”
You showed your left hand. A simple silver ring. I could buy you a better ring. The one with diamonds. Tons of it. “I have waited to tell you this and I can’t keep this any longer.”
“But I love you.” This is too unfair. I loved you first! I looked at your deep blue eyes, begging for explanation.
Silence. Much, much more awkward than the first one. And I can saw that for a few minutes, you lost your grip. So my confession poured out like the river. A bit emotional. You just sat there looking confused.
“I….” You lost your voice. “I love you too.” I can saw tears in the corner of your pretty eyes. ”But you don’t understand…” Your head turned away. Just then I noticed under the flowy dress you wore, there was a bump.
I have always wondered why the colour blue is associated with sadness.
Looking into your eyes, back then, I understood why.